Did you know the Pringle Can holders in your car can also be used to hold cups!?

Saying you "acquired" something is a cool way to let people know you're edgy, because did you buy it? Did you steal it? No one knows

"Why yes, I would like a cookie. Thank you!" - me, practicing my Cookie Acceptance Speech.

If seeing someone every Friday implies you are dating, then the Chinese Food Delivery Man better propose soon.

Told I should "do" more activities to meet guys. Screw that, if you don't enjoy laying on my couch this probably wouldn't work anyway.

If two magicians had a baby and that baby went missing one day, they'd probably say, "Good one, baby."

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were playing Draw Something but you're right, it should be called Write the Word you Selected in a Fun Color.

A haiku about wine:

Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes

Almost to 300 followers and it only took countless hours, over several years, and a thousand of my deepest thoughts. Worth it.

To save time, I've started putting toothpaste directly on my shirt and skipping brushing all together.

That was a close call. I almost left the house to go to the gym but then my phone started working again.

Thinking of putting a baby mobile over my bed and hanging different bags of chips from it.

CALM DOWN! I'm trying to change your battery not rape you. - me, to the smoke detector.

I wish my name were Susan. Then I'd find a best friend also named Susan. We'd do nothing and I'd say, "Look at us, a couple of Lazy Susans."

Someone offered me an apple and I said, "No thanks. I'm single, keeping doctors away is the last thing I want to do". So yes, I'm always on.

Hey I just met you, and this is crazy but is it cool if I crash on your couch? Two, three weeks tops.

"You're home! How was your day? I missed you". - said no one to me.

RT or Star if you like puppies! (If you don't like puppies you're clearly a robot and I don't follow robots).

Sometimes you know the exact sec the toothpaste fell on your shirt. Other times you don't, but that's the charm of life. The mystery of it.

I always get confused when people say they'll send me the "deets" until I remember that's short for "I'm an idiot" so I make other plans.