I stand in my front window and think, There are some sick fuckers out there. Then I close the blinds and put some clothes on.

Is twitter a skill I can put on my resume?

I think Starbucks should change their name to Walletfucks.

I think those motorized fat people scooters at store are great. They Should get them for handicapped too.

I just took the best nap in the history of all naps.

I can't believe my neighbor called the cops cuz I was watering my garden. I guess watering w/ my man hose scared the old bitch.

Tried to teach a buch of kids to play dodge cars. They weren't very good at it.

I love twitter. I can flirt w/ straight guys that would normally punch me for it. But here they play along.

Morning wood should be renamed to Try not to pee on the ceiling.

My dogs got me 3 hidden piles of dog shit for Fathers day. Ungrateful little bastards.

I can't break the 200 followers mark. My life is incomplete

Indiana. Where obesity is a badge of honor.

Wow that felt good. I love attention. Oh god. Does that make me a whore.?

Me: look out for that hole. Him: What hooooooooooo

I just saw a vagina on twitter. I need my mommy. Very scared right now.

So I went to get my hair colored, but couldn't pick a color. So I went with clear.

I feel like a good time. Somebody bring beer, food, movie, music, chairs. Did I mention I am broke. If you have a job bring it too

Pee wee Herman would make a better moderator.

I know anything goes on twitter... but 9 11 jokes are a bit over the line.

I think i am ready to have my own theme song.