RIP Amy Winehouse. They tried to make her go to rehab. Maybe she should have said yes, yes, yes.

I think the rapture has already taken place and the only things that went up are my TV remote and the mates to all my kids' socks.

Me thinking out loud: "Is today Tuesday?" 5 yr old daughter: "That's what my panties say!"

I have so many new followers! I should have mentioned @unicornsyrup 's boobies a long time ago.

Oh. My. God. @unicornsyrup just showed me her boobies. I need an adult!

Geoff: "Don't bite my head off!" Me: "Then get off my ass!" Geoff: "Your ass is the most comfortable thing in this house."

So 6 0'clock came and passed with no Raptor. I baked a cake and everything. :(

I'm listening to Eden singing an opera version of the alphabet song.

I woke up this morning and found $7 crumpled up at the foot of my bed. I feel like a very cheap prostitute.

So I'm childless tonight. I'm about to get all liquored up, then take myself home, and take advantage of me.

If assholes could fly this place would be an airport.

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.

Yes. Rosetta Stone is an actual stone. You turn it three times in your hand and BAM! You know Spanish.

Hey, guess which finger I'm holding up.