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9 out of 10 optometrists don't recommend Refoo's glasses.
Has anyone done a tweet about how people who die in meth lab explosions turn into methylated spirits? If not I don't blame you.
Everyone with a birthday in September must be pissed now that it's become international terrorist month.
I checked with Twitter & it's ok to make fun of dead celebrities as long as you didn't look at the naked photos of the live celebrities.
Breaking Bad Boogers.
-Diary of a nose picker.
Subway sandwiches should come with end of the roll reminders.
Apple is like an equal opportunity employer the way they employ women to make coffee & answer the phone.
Halloween isn't even close but it's Twitter close.
I precame to that movie, oh wait what I meant to say was I saw it at an advanced screening...you hung up already didn't you.
Sometimes I worry there aren't enough steam trains left for everyone to work on when they get old.
I think my girlfriend might be pregnant again, man she's worse than Halle Berry in space.
Sometimes I feel sorry for all those guys on Twitter who never get a hot meal because their women are always fixing them sandwiches.
The Walking Dead doesn't make me as hungry as The Great British Bake Off does, it still makes me hungry but it's a different kind of hungry.
John Mayer is like Liam Neeson in the way that he'll find your daughter but only if she's hot.
I really don't know how housewives find time for all those affairs when standing in line at the supermarket takes so long.
Meanwhile on the stoner forum two guys have started sending each other death threats over a disagreement about which vaporizer works better.
I got David Attenborough and Michael Parkinson mixed up again so now I'll never find out if this octopus is gay.
Drag them all down to your level then wonder why they're so fucked up.
Online shopping tips:
1) Create an account.
2) Choose a username.
3) That user name is taken
4) That username is taken.
5) Close account.
Cars are like women, a new one is fun for about two weeks & then it just shits you.