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I have some fat rolls but they're all where my muscles should be so they're really just fat muscle rolls. Ok that made me hungry.
I've never even seen you use a Q-tip. -What I like to say when I've just used all her Q-tips to make a cotton fort.
The shortest distance between two points is a midget planker.
There's only so much one man can do, unless of course it's a different man from me. That man could probably do way more.
People who live in glass houses shouldn't be Batman.
I'll keep doing Tupperware tweets until someone tells me to put a lid on it.
The best thing about dating an older woman is all the Tupperware.
Bougainvillea is a nasty plant & it'll fuck you up long after it's dead, it's probably what the burning bush was & why they kept burning it.
The people you can tell are really enjoying themselves here are the most fun to watch, the meltdown people come a close second of course.
If I see the word "Dogs" spray painted on someone's car it's pretty obvious to me that cats did it & they're just trying to set the dogs up.
With a mum like yours who needs porn magazines, and that's one reason I wasn't invited to many sleepovers.
The worst thing about my genetically modified indoor plants is that every time I walk in the room one of them asks me for a glass of water.
What's that movie where Tom Cruise puts Katie Holmes on the back of his motorcycle then rides off & locks her away for 6 years?
There's architect smarmy, scientist smarmy & James Spader smarmy, there's other types of smarmy too but those are the smarmiest.
People shouldn't be allowed to come on my TV & just spout their stupid fucking opinions, that's what Twitter is for.
Who is Chimmichurri & more importantly is he related to Chimichanga, or is it racist just asking?
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Say what you want about them but the only reason we don't have drug sniffing cats is because cats aren't little fucking tattle tails.
Jet skier riding dangerously close to swimmers gets taken by Great white shark!
Well not really but it's what we were all hoping for.