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Watching Breaking Bad without any meth is almost as bad as watching Better Homes & Gardens without any MDF.
Wow @twaggies finally did one of my tweets in colour. It’s like it’s like the Brady Bunch but in 2013.
I never care about anything until it directly affects my life & then I wonder why I didn’t care about it earlier.
I’m pretty sure I’d be much more likable as a Zombie & probably a lot fucking happier too.
It's nice how all the other pimples give blind pimples the best parking spots on your face.
When I was a kid I used to like flushing toys down the toilet but now I’m adult I only do that with emotions.
I’m like Rambo in the way I’m excellent at hiding in trees except that I only ever drop on people accidentally.
Cats are great if you just need a little company or if you’re learning taxidermy.
I’ve never been to Venice but I imagine they have a lot of cockroaches there.
I hate it when your Vine videos end with a cliffhanger, now I’ll never know what happened after that girl cut her hair.
One day I’ll probably look back at my tweets & be embarrassed by all the profanity I used but until then I say fuck it.
Don’t ask me if I’m ok while I’m wearing a bow tie, obviously I’m not ok or I wouldn’t be wearing a fucking bow tie.
I’m allergic to buckwheat, well I’m not allergic to it but it’s really really yucky to me & I think that’s the same thing.
The biggest problem with healthy food is all the chewing.
Just when I think Eurovision will never go away I realise I’m actually watching an ad for The Voice.
I bought beer but saved all this money by refilling the dishwashing liquid with water, who says men can’t compromise.
Sure they grow up fast but it seems like fucking ages if they never leave home.