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I never know if it's smorgasbord or smorgasborg but either way I bet those Star Trek movies have great catering.
The touchscreen on your phone isn't working properly so I had to keep licking my finger but thanks for letting me use it anyway.
You have to admire those people who stab their partner rather than poison them slowly, but the people who just divorce instead probably win.
Got a flat tyre but some asshole has stolen the air hose from the Caltex again? Call the PSI Crime Team.
How about an Ashley Maddison & Martin for horny bald guys who want to treated by real doctors, real sexy doctors.
Bought one of those Jamie Durie garden hoses & it just dribbles everywhere, I didn't expect that it's not like it's from Jamie Oliver.
It's pretty obnoxious to do a burnout right in front of someone unless you're at a car show, then it's like Awww yeah bro great car show.
Does anyone know if the Americans finished all their Halloween candy yet?
But if you really want to mess with her only say it about one of them.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Maybe Optus hate those shitty Josh Thomas ads as much as we do but that guy locked them into a 2yr contract.
Tonight we're finally going set alight the old tractor tyre in my mate's backyard, this is huge we've been talking about it all year.
Guy with tractor for hire, please supply tractor.
Cocaine is like Bakers Delight bread, it's good for about 3 hours & then everything gets crusty.
Wow Twitter is so quiet you could hear a plane drop but maybe not disappear that probably doesn't make any noise.
Flying is statistically safer than driving but you can't compare them because not many motor vehicle accidents involve the car disappearing.
My girlfriend thinks anyone I talk to on the internet is a psycho who wants to have the sex with me, she's only half right.
What if I do have chronic back pain but I don't know it because I'm always stoned, what then doctor?
here on account of all the tweets
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