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I just think that if a man asks you to go on a cruise or go scuba diving he's probably going to kill you.
The worst people at the online baby auctions are the flippers.
I wonder if Lena Dunham ever gets sick of having to do all those nude scenes she keeps writing.
People who like the taste of bone marrow are the first people you shoot in a zombie apocalypse.
Easy going guy looking for laughs & fun times unless you say something that annoys me because then things go south pretty fucking quickly.
The best way to get people to accept something new is to put alcohol in it.
Whenever I'm waiting in a queue I try to remember how much worse it would be if I was trying to summit Everest.
I hate it when I write a list but autocorrect changes Panko to Pablo so I have to buy a soccer player & a Colombian drug lord just in case.
No one enjoys naming buildings after themselves more than wealthy white guys.
I've watched enough religious movies to know for a fact that Jesus wore a lot of fucking eyeliner.
Man if I don’t stop thinking about John Mayer I’m going to ruin Easter.
I’m going to see Blackhat, hope it’s not about John Mayer.
We’d probably have more female mechanics if it wasn’t for all the car door slamming.
Marrying your girlfriend can be expensive but you'll save a few characters on Twitter.
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