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John Mayer is like Liam Neeson in the way that he'll find your daughter but only if she's hot.
I really don't know how housewives find time for all those affairs when standing in line at the supermarket takes so long.
Meanwhile on the stoner forum two guys have started sending each other death threats over a disagreement about which vaporizer works better.
I got David Attenborough and Michael Parkinson mixed up again so now I'll never find out if this octopus is gay.
Drag them all down to your level then wonder why they're so fucked up.
Online shopping tips:
1) Create an account.
2) Choose a username.
3) That user name is taken
4) That username is taken.
5) Close account.
Cars are like women, a new one is fun for about two weeks & then it just shits you.
A selfie so sharp that you print it & everybody gets a paper cut.
The expression Going off like a loose cannon is a bit outdated, maybe we could change it to Going off like a loose Kardashian.
I can see both sides of the argument before I even start it.
eharmony, because making your own decisions didn't turn out so great.
On detective shows the Commissioner is always getting up someone's ass, they really should call him the Decommissioner.
What do those girls who put kooky stuff in their hair call that kooky stuff?
I'd pay someone to make it look like I care & sound like I can be bothered.
I wish all these people would stop missed calling me.
In Sci-fi movies whenever they say let's get off this rock they really just mean let's get out of this quarry.
Quarry: typically a large deep pit, from which stone and/or Sci-fi movies are being, or have been extracted.
If it wasn't for quarries we wouldn't have all of those Sci-fi movies.