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I carry a knife, but it's just in case of cake.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
"So you don't KNOW any of these people?" is a Facebook users first comment when Twitter is explained.
When a girl says, "I think we should talk," it's never about the Bat Mobile.
If my girlfriend is late for work & looking for keys,
I help by following her around the house & looking in exactly the same spots she does.
When a woman says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Give a man a fish & he'll eat for a day,
but give a woman a compliment & you could eat for a fucking week.
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Just found out that people here have their own opinion and sometimes it's different from mine. That's fucked up, I'm unfollowing everyone.
Most people are assholes, and then there's the rest of us who are all just a little fucked in the head from having to deal with that.
Retweets are like sex, the only people that complain about them are the ones that arent getting any.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can't drive.
I will star serious tweets.
I don't like them, but I understand we all run out of weed occasionally.
You can try, but you can only hide psycho for so long.
You know she’s a keeper if she lets you drive Matchbox cars over her naked curves and make vroom vroom noises.
I told my mum about how you unfollowed me and she said that it's your loss not mine.
It might be just me but CSI seems a little like Scooby Doo for old people.
I love a good tweet with a typo, anything really beautiful has to have a small flaw.
If the Terminator was female the line would have been,
“I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
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