I whiten my teeth so when my nose bleeds they really pop.

If you show up at my house uninvited, you damn well better have a life-threatening injury or a case of beer in your hand.

Fact: guys who don't retweet other guys give the best head.

Twitter - When you absolutely, positively have to get something done, but don't fucking feel like it.

Lately I've been doing this thing where I continue to live my life as if you never existed. It's going really well for me.

My favourite extreme sport is trusting people.

For those of you not familiar with Australia.
Queensland is one big trailer park

I feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan, imagine how many Adobe updates she’ll have after rehab.

You watch porn, I watch the food network and fantasize about the dinner that might have been.

I knew this lady who was into those new age crystals and she got cancer. Maybe it's unrelated.

Seduce me. Take off my coat. And my hoodie. And my cardigan. And my long sleeved top. And my short sleeved...look its fucking cold, shut up!

in case of emergency, close your eyes.

Best. Poop. Ever.

People who make you happy and stuff are evil. Everyone knows that.

I may look calm but in my head you're pregnant.

So, you're like an ignorant person with strong opinions? I think that's fascinating.

Want to be a rebel?


Think.

A huge shout out to coffee. Tricking us into believing that it's a good morning for a few minutes.

If I keep calling you “dude”, it’s only because I’m terrible with names of men I never want to have sex with.

My signature move is not losing my shit every time you say something stupid.