I'm kind of a breast man, but I do like a nice ass too. Who the hell am I kidding? Is she still breathing? How long ago did she stop?

Amazing. Got home, no wife or kids home. Turned on Pornhub. Didn't have to sneak around. I screamed loudly the whole 28 seconds

I want to get a cat and by cat I mean pussy and by get I mean fuck. I hope that was clear.

Just thank me now. You all slept safe and sound last night because I wore my Iron Man pajamas to bed last night.

The woman next to me on the train has a chest that is more hairy than mine. Haven't decided yet if I am disgusted or jealous.

What's the right age to stop bathing with your kids? I need proof for my mom cause she says it's 50. Fuck her she comes, gotta go.

Know what I like in a woman? My dick.

How sad, I didn't even know favstar was down. I just thought it was another day of you assholes ignoring my amazingness.

Amazing, I can manage 10 servers, 150 computers and a massive network but I can't seem to get my fucking stapler to work right

Facebook is the virgnal missionary position on your honeymoon while Twitter is like rough anal in the backseat of a car on prom.

I unfollowed you because you bring unfunny to my timeline. Take your tear jerking drama back to Facebook mom. Oh yeah and Happy Birthday

Wife says I'm not funny. I beg to differ. There are 5 people on Twitter who star my shit and think I'm funny or retarded. Whatever..

How stupid is my IT dept? They block Favstar but not Twitter. Wait, I am the IT dept. Nevermind. I'm gonna fix that right now.

This just in: the entire Bears team just took a pic of their dick and texted it to Brett Favre.

It's good to know that 627 followers really means that 9 people star your shit. It's like I'm the slow kid who gets a participation trophy

For Easter I bought my kids shocker collars. Yes, I realize it's more of a gift for me, but what parent would fault my logic?

I want to check favstar but first I need to turn my phone and then zoom 3 times.

9 different types of Visine and not one of them says "If you're stoned buy this one."

Wife's superpower? Rejecting my sexuals advances. My superpower? The ability to drown out female voices and nod like I give a shit.

Told lady at work she is special. She says special how? I say like riding the short bus with a helmet on while drooling on yourself special.