If you post a pic of yourself naked, please clean your room first. It's distracting.

When you are in Twitter jail, don't drop the phone or you may get it in the app.

If a spider dressed up as a clown I would surly die of fright.

She said she had milkshakes, so I went into her yard, that bitch didn't have any milkshakes.

You may not say where you are from in your bio, but by your spelling of "colour" I can at least narrow it down to where to start stalking.

I only want more followers so that all the awesome people I RT will be seen by more awesome people. What I tweet is fillers.

Hoarders have everything. I am so jealous.

I flew a kite today, in case you were wondering how boss I really am.

Duck, duck, douche.

If you put balloons and signs up directing me to a birthday party, don't get mad when I show up. Even if you don't know me.

I will make love to you so good you'll put your phone down and stop tweeting while we are doing it.

Instead of phone numbers I write "for a good time tweet @......" on the bathroom walls.

Fuck you guys, I am so tired, but you are all so addictive.

If you don't understand my horribly unoriginal tweets then you my friend are a dumbass.

It's Saturday, Motherfuckers!!! Do something funny and be sure to tweet about it!! We love that shit!!

I could use some vodka and some more vodka right about now.

I am going to try and bring graduation robes in style as everyday wear.

What the fuck? You guys are all following? Are you high?

When I am in the doghouse I just sneak out and sleep over at the cat house.

I am wearing a breathe right strip.....and nothing else.