“@jimgaffigan: Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.” ahem @wigwammin

What the hell is this?? Everyone has lost their god damn minds. http://t.co/iI4y4YTX

If it makes a sound, chances are I've told it to shut the fuck up.

Key to life: fill all silence with music.

@robdelaney divorce? spousal abuse?

@thenuzzy I kind of feel the need to say this- he was being a dick calling you out over nothing and then interrogating you on your own show.

@thenuzzy you sure like tweeting about Tourettes alot

That little boy from The Middle is up to something... #futureserialkiller

Fuck. I need a churro. It's an emergency.

“@robdelaney: I wonder if Hitler was ever like "I should knock this shit off."” @k33l3yy I thought you would like this.

“@thesulk: My flyswatter is such a buzz kill.” @k33l3yy remember this? #bestjokeever

“@_theguy_: Rest in PCP, Whitney Houston.” Just laughed at this joke too. Good thing I don't believe in hell.

“@thenuzzy: Houston, we have a problem.” I just laughed innapropriately hard at this joke about someone's death. I am an awful person.

Pretty sure the apocalypse will happen when Stephen Colbert breaks character.

I love how my new fancy printer takes longer to print than my old shitty printer.