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Mmmmmmm! The aspartame and red dye 3 really bring out the horse femur in this cherry jello. #foodie
Seriously considering doing one of those lemonade cleanses, but I can't figure out how much vodka you're supposed to add.
Well then lock your shed if you don’t want me using your daughter’s Little Mermaid pool to make Everclear, asshole.
Smart they put "only in theaters" at the end of this Dark Knight trailer. Woulda gone to the petting zoo. Baby goat be all "bad news, brah."
Alcohol kills brain cells so slowly that you don't even notice and then one day there you are--buttering a waffle with a pizza cutter.
My grandma's tap water tastes like RoboCop's taint.
No online grocery store can ever replicate the joy of staring down the kid in front of you while dropping Twix after Twix into your cart.
"It's pizza and wings for six bucks. Either buy it or go fuck yourself."- a Domino's commercial I could respect
After last night, I'm now 11 for 11 in getting a laugh by yelling "Kick his ass, Sea Bass!" at two dudes fighting in a bar. I also got shot.
Getting coughed on by a stranger is God's way of snapping you in the nuts with a towel.
I find it's safer to just go ahead and assume that people who use the individual egg holders in their fridge door also collect women's toes.
The best thing about having a way younger brother is writing the Golden Girls theme lyrics in his birthday card and him taking it seriously.
Pinterest is kinda like a women's bathroom. I have no idea what's going on in there and it's probably best I don't try and find out.
Losing my remote in bed is probably the closest I'll ever come to understanding the complex emotions involved in being a teenage girl.
The DeVry University mascot is a teen dad smoking outside of an Arby’s.
You make a whiskey waterslide at ONE McDonald’s PlayPlace and suddenly you’re banned from 'em all. Fuck those kids. Uptight little snitches.
Just opened a bottle of wine with a screw and a pair of pliers. This is the kind of alcoholic ingenuity I bring to the table, ladies.
I mix Diet Coke with Coke Zero because I'd hate to miss out on that sweet class action lawsuit for the brain tumors we develop in 20 years.
My family crest is a drunken Care Bear trying to pay the pizza guy with a Folgers can full of pennies.
4/20 is the perfect time to acknowledge your dealer as a real person with hopes, dreams, and dignity. LOLJK! A Chili’s gift card is fine.
A dinosaur, probably. Also, the least Polish member of Atoms on Broadway. By far.