In my absence I've completely forgotten everything about Twitter except for that bit where you're constrained by a certain number of charact

What if lascivious facial ticks were currency?

I think I'd be even more depressed if there were only two dimensions.

I've referred to my genitals as "Kindling" for so long I no longer know how to converse with settlers from the 1700's.

And then suddenly you find yourself one day berating toast for it's inability to be a sandwich.

Chartreuse is the color of my true loves hair.

The withdrawal symptoms I'm experiencing from coming off antidepressants are identical to the symptoms of being in Wal-Mart.

My goal for this month is to make all 26 versions of my younger self cry at least once. I'm pretty confident.

I regret not being a more positive influence on my life.

How do you tell someone that the cake they made tastes like the onset of a minor seizure in a positive way?

I'm frustrated by the cumbersome task of sustaining myself with food. I'm going to make dad noises until it's resolved.

The Economy is more than likely going to pull a Rambo if it ever gains cognizance.

I'm amazed at how frequently I have to defend logic when talking with my mother.

I was just getting into the trend of adding Zs to words where they didn't belong and then "Cray" came on the scene and fucked everything up.

I want to make music that inspires people to listen to the music that inspired me to make music.

Her croissant like fingers coaxed the buttons of his cardigan to slip free as their zamboni slid the both of them into ecstasy.

His crimson ocular muscles bulged as he exclaimed, "You ain't gonna stuff me in one of them sky boats!"

My clocks are fine. Leave them be.

Domestic disputes in public places are fascinating for their ability to unify unavoidably voyeuristic strangers.

@dietschweppes Awwww, thanks. I've missed tweting with yous guys.