Twitter was just a natural progression for me because I used to follow people and shout filthy things out at them all the time anyway

after my parents, girlfriend, friends, followers, and the occasional person standing beside me on the bus, i'm my own worst critic

Twitter is a wonderful sanctuary from all the non-stop suffocating evil voices around me trying to sell me patriotism, credit cards and god

when "Lesbian Pool Orgy" is the first thing that comes up in my browser history after typing a single innocent "L", i realize THAT I ROCK

despite my being a published tweeter with over 300 followers, i get far fewer invitations to exclusive yacht orgies than you might think

"men and women are such assholes" - dejected bisexual

my "career" is basically a lifelong battle to clear my desktop

am i the only one who's been pronouncing Goethe as "jeeth" this whole time?

i'd like to win a potato sack race so i can say "i'm great in the sack!" because that's the kind of humor that works at potato sack races

Joke time! What has a penis, testicles, herpes, dead eyes, and no human empathy, and is Madonna? Oh wait, I think I told that wrong...

app idea: a GPS that tells you which route to take to avoid bumping into people you know (eg: "you owe that guy money, GO LEFT")

while Americans are in their drunken feelgood twitter bonding stage, i live 7 hours ahead where the sun radiates sober panicky worry

Music trivia question: what year in late-90s did Mariah Carey change her name to Big Fat Slutty Sack of Tits?

Got MLK?

Watch TED Talks if you want to feel really disappointed in yourself for having done nothing with your life. They're great for that.

great, now i'm 41

i start drinking early in the day to drunk tweet with americans & then keep drinking later in the day for the aussies. do europeans tweet?

next time you worry about what others think about you, take comfort in reminding yourself how little time you spend thinking about others

silly fact of the day: owl in Turkish translates as "Mr. Bird"

so, to sum up twitter so far: we drink alcohol, we don't give a fuck, we like bacon & we don't like the Kardashians. ok, carry on