NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR STUPID IDIOTIC DREAMS

Someone said "Thank you" so i said "No, thank YOU!" It went back and forth like that for 8 days. I was the nicest. I won. They starved. Died

I accidentally typed hootmail LOL email for owls!! Can you even imagine? Are you imagining?? PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IMAGINE OWL EMAILS

If someone cuts you off in traffic, yell HEY YOU CASSEROLE! then you'll both laugh, become friends & start a band together called Carbuddies

When someone says: "he/she is ok in my book".. ask them when their book is being published. Ask them every day for the rest of their life.

Before twitter, i used to whisper weird things into a gopher hole in the back yard. That gopher left and i think that means he unfollowed me

Just saw someone use the word 'Adorbs" instead of Adorable on Facebook so i put in the coordinates for an airstrike upon their house.

If you can whistle exactly like a bird after it whistles then:
THAT IS A REAL LIFE RETWEET RIGHT THERE
but the bird doesn't care at all

I'm not sure we should eat Laughing Cow brand cheese because WHAT ARE THOSE COWS LAUGHING AT? i think they did something to the cheese

Do angry people know about naps?

IDEA: Netflix but for cheese

This guy came up to me and said he needed a glass of water but his pants were on fire so, he probably was lying about needing it

ERRRBODY UP IN THE CLUB GETTIN ENGLISH LESSONS

EVERY HERO HAS A JOURNEY i say to myself in that movie guy voice as i go to the store to buy tampons for my wife

a funny thing to say to a cat after it scratches your face really bad is "ARE YOU KITTEN ME RIGHT MEOW?!?" then go to hospital for stitches

Imagine if you had fingers made of fish. Now imagine playing a piano with your fish fingers. Now imagine world peace. Imagine tartar sauce

Whole Foods?
MORE LIKE WHOLE PAYCHECK!
*sets self on fire in Whole Foods parking lot
*several ppl think there's a grass fed beef BBQ

When Renee Zellweger was little she'd ask her mom, "Can i be an actress when i grow up?" Her mom was all like SHUT UP AND EAT YOUR LEMONS

My wife AND my daughter both said Gerard Butler was a "dream boat" so i told them they could ride that boat back to their home WHORE ISLAND

Taken 4: Liam Neeson's daughter is kidnapped again. He calls up kidnappers and says "just keep her. She's annoying and I'm tired of this"