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NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR STUPID IDIOTIC DREAMS
Someone said "Thank you" so i said "No, thank YOU!" It went back and forth like that for 8 days. I was the nicest. I won. They starved. Died
I accidentally typed hootmail LOL email for owls!! Can you even imagine? Are you imagining?? PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IMAGINE OWL EMAILS
If someone cuts you off in traffic, yell HEY YOU CASSEROLE! then you'll both laugh, become friends & start a band together called Carbuddies
When someone says: "he/she is ok in my book".. ask them when their book is being published. Ask them every day for the rest of their life.
Before twitter, i used to whisper weird things into a gopher hole in the back yard. That gopher left and i think that means he unfollowed me
Just saw someone use the word 'Adorbs" instead of Adorable on Facebook so i put in the coordinates for an airstrike upon their house.
If you can whistle exactly like a bird after it whistles then:
THAT IS A REAL LIFE RETWEET RIGHT THERE
but the bird doesn't care at all
I'm not sure we should eat Laughing Cow brand cheese because WHAT ARE THOSE COWS LAUGHING AT? i think they did something to the cheese
Do angry people know about naps?
IDEA: Netflix but for cheese
This guy came up to me and said he needed a glass of water but his pants were on fire so, he probably was lying about needing it
ERRRBODY UP IN THE CLUB GETTIN ENGLISH LESSONS
EVERY HERO HAS A JOURNEY i say to myself in that movie guy voice as i go to the store to buy tampons for my wife
a funny thing to say to a cat after it scratches your face really bad is "ARE YOU KITTEN ME RIGHT MEOW?!?" then go to hospital for stitches
Imagine if you had fingers made of fish. Now imagine playing a piano with your fish fingers. Now imagine world peace. Imagine tartar sauce
MORE LIKE WHOLE PAYCHECK!
*sets self on fire in Whole Foods parking lot
*several ppl think there's a grass fed beef BBQ
When Renee Zellweger was little she'd ask her mom, "Can i be an actress when i grow up?" Her mom was all like SHUT UP AND EAT YOUR LEMONS
My wife AND my daughter both said Gerard Butler was a "dream boat" so i told them they could ride that boat back to their home WHORE ISLAND
Taken 4: Liam Neeson's daughter is kidnapped again. He calls up kidnappers and says "just keep her. She's annoying and I'm tired of this"
(☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞ LOOK OVER THERE! haha i made you look over there