I have big tits & I'm great in bed - you want me to be a gourmet cook too? STFU & eat your damn chicken nuggets.

I don't need a super power, I have a pussy.

Most little girls cried when boys pulled their hair on the playground. I was the little girl that said, "Pull harder."

You're not truly in love until you've planned their murder at least once.

Penises don't ruin everything. The dicks attached to them do.

Someone told me I was going to hell for being bisexual. Honey, if I'm going to hell it's for a lot more than that.

Ever meet someone and just have an overwhelming desire to see if she tastes as good as she looks? Yeah. That.

Just saw an ad for marijuana rehab....seriously? I didn't realize being relaxed and happy was a problem.

Unless he's balls deep he's not that into you.

I saw a chick with a tramp stamp that said "Slut"...I wasn't surprised in the least when she asked me what redundant meant.

I bet the guy behind match.com is a divorce attorney.

Sometimes a girl just wants to be spanked.

I like to wake up to morning head once and awhile too asshole.

I'm smiling but in my head I've murdered you at least 3 times.

I just realized I've never really done the walk of shame - I trot out whistling. I just got laid fuckers...why should I be embarrassed?

I bruise way too easily for the kind of sex I like.

My parents bought me a purity ring for my 16th birthday. I lost my virginity at 15. Nice try though.

Safe words are for pussies.

I bet I can make your girlfriend moan louder....

Ladies - Quit faking orgasms. I'm tired of being the one who has to retrain them. ♥ Your Husband's Future Girlfriend