STAGES OF LIFE: 1)You believe in Santa Claus 2)You don't believe in Santa Claus 3)You are Santa Claus 4)You look like Santa Claus, #SantaCon

I hate that awkward moment when somebody is doing dishes and you slowly put another dish in the sink

I thought someone was abducting douchebags, tagging their ears, then letting them back into the wild. Turns out they're called Bluetooths

Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 50 minute flute solo

I'm sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the fuck down

I left my laptop out on the living room floor last night. My grandma thought it was a scale. Turns out my grandma weighs 1100 dollars

You never realize how boring your life is until someone ask you what you like to do for fun

Ten years ago, America had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have no jobs, no hope and no cash.

I enjoy a glass of red wine each night for its health benefits. The other 9 glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves

America: Where moms get a day and sharks get a week

When parents accuse you of lying, look them straight in the eye and say: "Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus." And walk away. Slowly

#Facebook makes high school reunions awkward. "Hey I haven't seen you in 10 years! How have you been since you last took that nap yesterday"

In the future, I'll tell my grandchildren that I'm older than the internet thus blowing their minds forever

1. Open fridge. Nothing to eat. 2. Open pantry. Nothing to eat. 3. Lower standards and repeat

If I ever become brain-dead and I'm just laying in a hospital bed all day, the least you can do is put me into funny poses

My bucket list is just the words "afford things" written in with a red crayon that I stole, on a piece of paper towel that I found

"I'm not like most girls" - most girls

There would be a lot less accidents if there was a texting lane...

I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.