Once, just once, I wish I could ejaculate silly string.

Just saw a guy wearing ugg boots in Glasgow city centre. He will be getting penetrated by one of two things tonight: 1) a cock 2) a blade.

Female friend on Facebook changed her status to widowed...so I "liked" it and asked her if she had any suits for sale. Acceptable?

Just for the record. Telling your girlfriend she has "a vagina like a hippos yawn" is not, I repeat NOT, taken as a compliment.

Well, twitter has fucked up the "don't talk to strangers" philosophy, hasn't it?

Twitter has taught me more about grammar than school ever did.

When someone "stars" you, that means they want to put their finger in your ass, right? If not, then I don't understand twitter!

A retweet is like being introduced to all the cool people at a party.

My twitter crush dumped me for another imaginary person in their phone.

When I twittercide, you'll find me in a room, rocking back and forth, with thousands of post it notes stuck to the walls.

If "twittercrush" translates to "I want to put my cock into your poop hole" then, yeah, I've got some of those.

Guys, when doing squats in the gym, place a dildo pointing up on the floor and I guarantee you never fail on a lift again.

The biggest mistake someone can make, is underestimating the lengths that people will go to for revenge.

I like to star people's conversations that I'm not involved in. Like a total creep.

If anyone ever asks "did you take your girlfriend somewhere nice?" your ONLY reply should be "yep..up the arse" nothing more, nothing less.

I bet some of you enjoy the taste of crayons.

I think my girlfriends g-spot is in my wallet. Only time she's happy is when my fingers are in that.

Sometimes, pretending to be dead is the only answer.

The only way to get a woman to shut up?








Kill her.

Stand in a crowd, put your finger to your ear secret agent style, say out loud "target is in site!", see who panics.