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weird that some people have "no regrets" b/c once I accidentally scared a dog and never stopped thinking about it for the rest of my life
did i ever tell you guys about the time we asked our HS teacher what he'd name a racehorse, & he said, w/out hesitation, "santa's boyfriend"
whenever I lose a follower, I think of a wistful dad I once overheard at the zoo who, after a snow leopard slunk away, sighed, "There he go"
imagine meeting someone whose favorite book wasn't on their high school summer reading list
imagine a relationship with someone who has an even remotely accurate idea of who you really are
I carry a pretty big purse for someone so small 'cause, at any given time, there's a 50/50 chance I'm carrying a rotisserie chicken in it
having a die hard-themed wedding where they're just gonna throw me down an elevator shaft
imagine dating someone you actually enjoy
ABC just announced that its next Bachelor will be a marzipan golem
are u ready for this jelly? *applies gel to pregnant belly* *examines ultrasound screen* it's a boy congrats *u cry, u were ready*
i wonder whether people are ever super intimidated by me at parties. like, "there goes the joe mantegna of fake texting."
not exactly sure what to wear to impress my date tonight but probably the blood of my enemies
these have always brought me luck *drops tiny frankfurters into your open, waiting hands*
in my day we did all our subtweeting via mixtapes
Every time I tweet I turn to the nearest mirror and whisper, "Why"
starting a tumblr where the theme is just pictures of clint eastwood talking to different baby animals that are sleeping in his cowboy hat.
my rattail is throbbing
haunted by the time I may have misquoted You've Got Mail
Sexy Depressives Are Waiting For You
oh, my favorite facebook group? hands down, no question it's "Why Jafar look like Prince"