If you’re happy and you know it, what the fuck? This is Anger Management, get out.

Okay, you got me, I'm not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?

We have so much in common. You want to travel . . . I want you to go . . .

My girlfriend said I make her feel invisible. I didn’t even know I had a girlfriend.

I was trying to eplain the whole dynamics of Twitter and Favstar to my grandparents who are now convinced that I'm gay and in prison.

Look, I’m not going to lie to you. Wait, that’s not true; that’s a lie, already. Sorry, everything’s a lie I guess. You look pretty though.

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

Me: Hey babe, what say we slam some shooters and bone seven ways to Sunday? Her: This is 911. Is this an emergency? Me: Sorta.

Don’t be afraid to dream. Reality’s not going anywhere.

I’m just a boy standing in front of a girl, asking her to move so I can see the television.

Unless you’ve fucked a dead clown in an arboretum, don’t talk to me about “your little drinking problem.”

“Normal people” are the most fucked up people you will ever meet.

A movie about my life would look a lot like some guy in a parking lot looking for his car.

Did you ever have sex so good you had to wake up from your dream and tell your cats?

I love comfort food. I’m going to eat a quilt.

Dear Catholic Church, the rhythm method is fine for some but what about for us white guys?

If vaginas could only talk! Oh what a story men would still not listen to.

I bet my soul mate’s a fucking idiot.

Three reasons why we should not do away with Education:

1. Rick
2. Perry
3. I forgot the third one