I wish I was a golden girl. All their husbands were dead and they ate a lot of cheesecake. I fucking love cheesecake.

I have an iPhone and can use a computer. apparently, that makes me the IT person here.

Nobody looks sexy eating corn on the cob. Nobody.

i will fall for you over and over again...









because i'm really fucking clumsy and you're beautiful.

I get paid to tweet. I mean not really, but I do it at work... so that counts, right?

If you don't curse while putting the car seat in, you're prolly not doing it right.

I follow almost 500 people, but only 215 people follow me. I'm pretty sure that means I follow some real assholes. right?

The amount of hashtags used on your instagram photo is directly indicative of how much sucking at life you do.

I like to high five after sex. In case you didn't know what a dork I was...

i'm pretty sure the size of a woman's purse is relative to their emotional baggage....

I pretend every retweet is a date - thought you should know.

stuffing envelopes like it's my job. it is my job. i have a degree. life is sad sometimes. fuck you.

I get a notification on my phone with every star/mention and it drives the bitch next to me CRAZY. Keep it up!!!

everytime someone tweets about "vagina," an angel gets it's wings.... or some creepy douche gets an erection.... Continue on.

My husband is chewing. It's making me want to throat punch him.... I may be over reacting.

if you guys keep being so nice to me, i'm gonna come to your house and just hang out on your couch.. you started it.

Wearing a sports bra and doing nothing athletic is sort of my weekend M.O.

you all make me sick in a whole different and wonderful way.

Toddler answered me with a thumbs up and an eye roll. I think I'm doing it right.

i'm really important at work. i fold paper like it's nobody's fucking business.