I hate stereotypes. And I hate that all Asians are born knowing karate.

I disagree with the spelling of 'bologna' and 'colonel'.

It's that time of year again! Time to reconnect with people you haven't talked to in a year because they have pools!

I want to die of suffocation...by way of MOTORBOATING BOOBIES!

I imagine storming the beaches of Normandy to have the same stress and fear level as the first time I ordered at Chipotle.

My girlfriend is like Fonzie's jukebox: you have to hit it to make it work.

If my dog could talk, she'd say ”Dude, stop jerking off while I'm in the room! Just ask me to leave and I'll go!”

I wonder what bookstore Josh Hartnett is working at now.

The guy just can't catch a break. Lance Armstrong loses EVERYTHING! What's next? His testic...nevermind.

Women are like apples: they bruise easy and are easier to eat when they're cut up into pieces.

I bet Hilary Clinton has a hairy back.

Don't fall asleep in the street unless you want to get tire-d.

Any book is a coloring book if you have crayons.

”No, no, no. I said, 'Good luck in space!'”- me, trying to cover up the fact I just told my boss to 'fuck his face'

Just saw someone using a payphone. It was like watching someone but a VHS into a VCR while humming the theme song Charles in Charge.

If you carry around eye drops, you smoke alot of pot.

Million Dollar Idea: @DiGiornoPizza@DiGiornoPizza with free delivery.

”We're not that dumb!” - rocks

I sign my name the same fucking way every single time, until I have to give my signature for a new license.

Snookiwi: a hairy, gross round thing #ccmashup @nottjmiller