When my husband asks me why the remote's batteries are missing again, I just play stupid, but I do believe he's starting to catch on.

my kids are not spoiled. I only buy them everything they want so that they will leave me alone. So really all that stuff is for me.

My son asked what a G-spot was. I told him to go ask his dad. Now I don't have to worry about him finding out what one is.

Me to my kids: this is my house! I will pee with the door open if I want. If it makes ur friends feel funny they don't have to come over.

I have to be careful what I say out loud or else my husband will steal it and put it on twitter.

Fuck it! I'm just gonna start starring my own shit. I'm tired of waiting for you assholes.

Yeah, I felt bad rejecting his friend request on fb, but come on! Isn't it enough that I'm married to him? Now I got to be his friend too?

The next time I go out to dinner with my family I'm going to ask for my own table.

Great! Hubby has Beiber fever. Guess I'll be wearing that stupid wig again tonight.

My daughter just lost a tooth, but in my defense I warned her to stay the hell away from me today.

My mormon neighbors are congregating outside discussing block party and I'm out front boozing it up talking about bj's and anal sex.

My kids won't go to bed unless I read them a bedtime story. I don't have any books with me so I will be reading them your timelines.

I like to make my hubby look like a douche bag by signing into his acct and starring all his tweets.

My son used the word douche bag & I asked him where he heard that from & he said "you! Alright! I learned it from watching you use twitter!"

My son is dating the town whore. Now I know how all those other mothers felt when I dated their sons. Fuck you karma! Go eat a dick.

At McDonalds, the worker asked if happy meal was 4 boy or girl. I hung my head in shame & said hermaphrodite. Score! Got toy for both sexes.

Hubs got stung by bee between legs while cycling. I should have worried since he's allergic, but all I could think was "let it be on penis"

The next time my kids piss me off I'm going to threaten them with moving to Florida.

I hate when I'm cycling and a motorist passes me & honks their horn. Do they realize how hard it is to get shit stains out of underwear?

My husband and I are talking about our followers like how little boys talk about trading cards.