I think it is hilarious that there is a condom brand named after an ancient civilization that was tricked into letting the enemy cum inside.

I'd like to be a Disney princess mostly so that random animals would help me with my shitty housework.

Lactose intolerant means you shouldn't eat dairy products.

Lack Toast & Tolerant means you don't have any toast and you're okay with it.

Women with large breasts are generally more successful than men with large breasts.

The existence of muppet babies implies a curious fact: muppets fuck.

"Fuck" is the duct tape of the English language.

Getting credit for solving a problem at work is twice as sweet when you were anonymously the cause.

Sarc: My second favorite kind of asm.

I'm so beyond flat broke I'm concave broke.

I put the "sexy" in "dyslexia".

You know the date is pretty much ruined when you ask her, "How about a blow job?" and she says, "I'd love one."

There is nothing more awkward than high-five that turns into a high hand-holding.

I slept great. I woke up horribly.

shut up, wind. quit ackin' like you ghosts.

DATING TIP: If you're having coffee with a girl and she asks you how you take your coffee, say, "Orally" then wink and chug the entire cup.

White people Cracka me up.

In retrospect, the main problem with "Big Hair" back in the day was that the name applied to both tops and bottoms.

I'm not fabulous enough to wear cowboy boots, let alone tuck my jeans into them.

From his point of view, no one's kids are a bigger pain in the ass than Darth Vader's.

I think I'm allergic to people.