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Sunglasses were invented so you can stare at me while you're with your girlfriend.
While I was walking thru the subway today, some water dripped out of a pipe into my eye. Can't wait to see what superhero I morph into
I can't imagine why more guys don't do yoga.
1. Yoga pants
2. Lots of girls
3. Lots of girls in yoga pants doing yoga moves
Thanks to the five people that actually read my tweets. I love the fuck out of you guys
Last night's tweets were brought to you by the makers of beer and bourbon and by the color drunk
"I'm kind of glad to be back at work"
- Stuff married people say.
What does a girl have to do to get you to stand outside my window with a boom box?
The best bruises are the ones that I don't have any idea where they came from. I assume whatever I was doing, I had an amazing time
NAP DATES. Is that a thing? If not, it totes should be.
You sleep, I sleep, we both wake up refreshed and happy.
Moving a DM conversation to kik is like saying in RL " Do you mind if I slip into something more comfortable?"
I noticed I have a lot of hot gay followers. If you want to try some vagina for like a social experiment or something... Call me!
Based on the way I check in on my favorite followers in the morning, I think I'd make a great mom.
My favorite personification of an oxymoron is watching people in scrubs smoke cigarettes.
Fuck your audioboo links. Last time I clicked something in your bios it led me to FavStar and my life officially ended.
If you don't put Bugles chips on the end of each finger before eating them, then I'm sorry but your childhood was a complete waste.
That moment when ur waiting for ur coworker to leave the bathroom so u can poop & u realize they're doing the same thing, persistence is key
Of course all women are crazy. You don't see guys switch from laughing to crying in 3 seconds flat.
Accomplishing stuff is overrated.
If I thought about work as much as I think about what to have for lunch every day, I'd probably be the CEO of this place.
I call my bruises affectionate pet names like "one shot too many" and "look what I can do"
I play the blonde Polack on Twitter. May also contain MMA tweets. IG: BK_Blonde