I just bought a home gaming system, and by home gaming system I mean Wii, and by Wii I mean Fleshlight.

If you don't airdrum the fuck out of the drum transition in "In the Air Tonight" no matter where you are, then I don't want to know you.

If you can order fish tacos without at least a smirk I just don't want to be friends.

"No Sheep till Brooklyn" - Bestiality Boys

My kids think I am a great dad. Stupid little bastards.

You could probably sell boogers to the French as really expensive appetizers

I told my son if he didn't shut his face I was gonna fist his favorite teddy bear again #itsquietnow

I follow several funny people on twitter, but the girls are funnier because I want to make sex with them.

Had to put in the office Lottery pool. Cause if those assholes win I WILL NOT BE STUCK HERE ALONE

My superpower is not farting during a blowjob... Barely...

Some people call it "spousal abuse"
I call it "if the bitch put the toilet paper roll on the right way she wouldn't get punched in the face"

I'm too tired to even jack it, ooh wait weather girl... I'm all good.

Just got a text from the department of water and sewer. It said Don't, Ever, Again. You are welcome

Wow what a beautiful day. I should pack a lunch and go fisting.

Went to a Brazilian Steakhouse and there was a hair in my food.... FALSE ADVERTISING!!!

You know you had a good night at the bar when you have a 3 shit morning

If my wife ever goes missing it will be because of shit like this http://t.co/3t4wAtkV

it's so hot today i'm just "flies on my lips" away from being an Ethiopian, well that and being fat.

Apparently telling your 6yo daughter to "Shut your wiener cleaner" is "inappropriate". Who makes these rules anyway?!

I'm thinking a good name for a red headed porn star who squirts would be "Ginger Ale"