Hey, Koch Brothers! HOW DOES SHIT TASTE?!

I honestly can't tell if sexism is making a comeback or if it's just screaming extra loud as we collectively drown it in a river.

We need at least 30 scientists working on making it so that John Goodman will never die.

Wrestlemania is actually a really serious medical condition.

Because it's Friday, I'll go ahead and tell you what the funniest thing is the world is: A guy falling down the stairs while farting.

I just yelled "There's a new Wes Anderson movie coming out!" in front of Intelligentsia and caused a sullen, entitled riot.

I saw a guy at the gym today hoola-hoop-ing while wearing fingerless gloves and a t-shirt that said "Genocide" on it. So, that guy exists.

Los Angeles isn't fake, it just doesn't like you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

It doesn't matter what I do, because once in Cleveland a tugboat rolled by me blasting gangster rap and I yelled out "Tug Life!!"

Best thing about the National Anthem is that it musically and lyrically sounds like a drunk colonial guy is making it up as he goes along.

Did you know the original title of "Let it Snow" was "Let's Fuck"?

A toddler in a shopping cart just showed me that he had some cheese. Smug motherfucker.

What do you think Casper the Ghost did when he was alive to get shut out of heaven?

In "Groundhog Day" when Andie McDowell indignantly tells Bill Murray, "I always drink to world peace," he should just get up and leave.

I blame @pattonoswalt for making me look like a monster at the laundromat, cackling at "Christmas Shoes."

@kylekinane in the seat directly behind me on the plane. Keeps asking (as a stranger) to give me a massage. Lady next to me getting tense.

Ah, Silver Lake in the summer! All the guys look like out-of-shape Steve Prefontaines and all the gals look like grade schoolers who drink.

Who are those caramel apples festooned with 27 kinds of candy for? Is that for when kids take over the earth? Raise your chocolate sceptres!

I think the only time you should say "Totes McGotes" is if someone asks you if you're ready to die.

"My pesto is the best, yo!" -- Guy about to get punched in the face on Top Chef.