The first time I had a man in my mouth? I was 6 years old & his name was Jesus. (He served 12 years & is the reason my dad hates Mexicans)

Helped an old lady onto the bus today. So cute; she cried tears of joy & kept repeating "But I don't *want* to go to London". Silly nanna...

A friend recently suggested going seal clubbing with my mom's dildo.Nice, but my mom'd NEVER let me borrow her dildo.Not after last time...

Christ, our bathroom is so fuckin cold right now my shit froze halfway out my arsehole. Bad times.

PS: anyone got a blowtorch I can borrow?

My nipples are so fuckin hypersensitive. I once told them they looked fat so they cried & didn't speak to me for a week. Touchhhy!

I hate people who are younger & more successful than me. Or just more successful. Or just younger. Ok, I just hate people.

Pro Tip: It is never a good idea to get smashed & snort a plateful of bicarbonate of soda. NEVER.


Oh god IT'S BUBBLING BEHIND MY EYEBALLS!

Let's face it, If god had meant us to shower *every* day, then he wouldn't have invented perfume. Or vagisil.

Whenever I get weird food cravings I never worry about maybe being pregnant coz I always have "Trusty Rusty" the wire coathanger on standby.

So, judging by Bieber's new vid, I'd say he's graduated from "annoying little fucktard" to "womanising playerdick of a douchebag". Touché...

Whoah! Just found a black thread on my boob & for a second totally panicked that my pubes were migrating north past my bellybutton again.

I find an apple a day keeps the dickheads away, if you throw it fuckin hard enough...

Laugh all you want, but I still dream that one day I'll get to join The Bangles & show the world how great I am at walking like an Egyptian.

Guys are fond of touting the protein content of their cum in the hope we'll swallow.Well guess what guys, shit has protein too.YOU GO FIRST.

Don't worry. They're just girl farts. They can't hurt you...

I just managed to simultaneously spill coffee on my boob and my forehead. Yup, that's right folks, you're lookin at a pro...

The first rule of Nacho Club is: You don't get any fuckin nachos coz they're all mine! MINE! Y'HEAR! Now FUCK OFF I'm eatin nachos...

HELL YEAH I drink my morning coffee while sitting on the toilet coz these days, every fuckin second counts.

Lately,whenever I'm told new information,my mind goes foggy & all I can think of is "Downloading update data...Do not turn off the system."

Y'know,for all guys talk about loving pussy,I bet if they made a vagina flavoured drink it wouldn't sell.
Oh,my bad... http://t.co/NEHGtqTQ