Saw an Ed Hardy edition Hummer. I've found their leader.

I was trying to find the G-spot, but now I'm in Compton and I'm scared.

Cops are so damn needy! I need your license, I need you to step out of the car, I need you to put your pants back on..it's endless!

I'm 97% sure that Russel Brand and Amy Winehouse are the same person.

I can't wait to tell my grandkids about how grandpa used to eat magical pills and party in dirty warehouses til dawn.

Twitter: because I value strangers' opinion of me far more than that of my friends or family.

"Warm it up Kris!" -Kross when the customer wants their sub toasted

Mexico sure is dirty for having so many housekeepers.

If you wear a Burger King crown while drunkenly berating strangers in the park, you can't be arrested. Diplomatic immunity, bitches!

Lady Gaga should just join the Black Eyed Peas and get this apocalypse rolling already.

Fact: smart women with average looks are far sexier than hot women with shit for brains. #writethatdown

Dear women with breast tattoos, Grafitti lowers the property value. Love, guys.

Starbucks is like fried chicken for white people.

Calling pot a gateway drug is like saying masturbation is a precursor to AIDS. In other words, you're a fucking idiot.

Ha! My roommate left the Fleshlight order page open in his browser! What a loser! Glad I live alone!

When a guy buys skinny jeans, do they perform the castration in-store or beforehand?

I considered taking your advice, but your '96 Taurus and liberal use of the word "bro" advised me against it.

Sometimes I'm proud to be an American, but then I remember that Nascar and Jersey Shore exist.

If you aren't hispanic and refer to cheese as queso, I'd like you to leave. No seriously, get the fuck out.

You do realize we're all live tweeting our gradual mental breakdowns, right?