The key to a great offense is a great insult.

"Let's neglect this child." -Your Parents

Foo Fighters..bringing you the exact same song since 1994.

They need to figure out a way to put goldfish in a super soaker. People would never see it coming!

Parents on Twitter: Your children cannot eat your tweets. Please get off twitter and go feed your children.

Kim Jong Il will be succeeded by his son, Kim Jong Healthy.

Ladies, can you imagine if E.T. fingered you with his phone home finger? Imagine the orgasm! Probably like 1000 orgasms at the same time

How did ducks invent tape anyways

It's Oreos, for Breakfast! *sledgehammer to Oreos bag & poured into funnel from ace hardware bonged with whole milk straight to the face*

I wonder where the Hardy Boys are now

Does the Boogie Man even dance??

Anyone with a cat for an avi needs to be followed.

Organic milk is the tits! (Breast Milk.)

Girls get angry when you call them "Fat." Right before posting pictures of their food on all social mediums.

If a restaurant has paper on the table, there should alway be crayons at arms reach...Just Sayin.

Kindly direct me to the nearest rhinestone dealer.

"Good Meowning" "How Rawr you?" (A Cat and a Dog's morning Google chat conversation.)

I give myself +30 Street cred points for saying "str8 doe" in my last tweet.

May all of you have woken up to the fresh smell of your Valentine this morning! On your fingers.

I want to be your dad, guys