I'd like to outsource my masturbating.

Tupperware is the waiting room for the trash can.

Look at you, standing there with your teeth all in your mouth and your elbows halfway up your arms.

Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: *sips beer
Cop: That was stupid.
Me: So was your question.

Well, children, it all started with a DM...

I drink because of the stress of knowing that cats walk on our cars at night.

I think I'm just too intelligent for sanity.

Hello, welcome to the evening news, where we're going to scare the shit out of you for 45 minutes, then weather & sports. Stay tuned.

Drinking is so much easier than handling my issues.

Cheetos don't go bad, they just get different.

If you see me driving and I'm not smoking a cigarette, you can pretty much bank on the fact that I'm a fart away from pooping in this car.

My bologna has a first name it's A-L-C-O-H-O-L. My bologna has a second name it's I-H-A-V-E-A-D-R-I-N-K-I-N-G-P-R-O-B-L-E-M.

Just Googled "cheat codes for Twitter", and found out its not actually a game. You guys are idiots, and I'm just gullible. Thanks a lot!

I wanna have a rollerskating cocaine wedding.

Nurse: You're 30, you really need to stop smoking, everything, and you may have a drinking problem.
Me: I knew that before I broke my leg.

When someone first says "don't take this the wrong way", there's no chance I'll get it right.

Hey, you're not going to believe this but Kohl's is having a sale.

Having to shit right after a shower is worse than a rainstorm right after a carwash.

Goals:
1. Fill picture frame with real family pic, instead of this Kohl's family
2. Make family
Or
3.Acquire picture of real family

Does herpes itch? Need to know for this essay I'm writing for fun.