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It somehow seems fitting to poop on the floor of Whole Foods.
Taylor Swift must be a *total* bitch when she has PMS.
Eager to eat.
Cold chicken and cut fries...it doesn't get any more gangsta than that.
Martha Washington was the first woman to shave her pussy
If you want to fuck after hearing Ira Glass's voice, we could totally be meant for each other.
There was a rainbow on the way to my show at The Helium in Portland. I hope it wasn't meant ironically.
I ❤Smart Men, Too.
I'm hiring a keyboard player to follow me around and play music whenever my story requires background mus.. WAIT IS MICHAEL McDONALD AVAILAB
Hey lady, I'm flattered that you carded me but here's a tip - PEOPLE UNDER 21 DON'T BUY GRENADINE!! Idiot.
I'm drunk but not drunk enough to not email ex boyfriends drunk.
"Roll that beautiful peen footage." - hilarious porn director.
When my back and legs hurt from planting flowers all day, do I deserve a massage or is this pain the punishment for my addiction?
I liked you better when you painted pictures in psychedelic images.
No, my dog didn't have surgery. I put the lamp shade on him cuz his eyes shine too bright in pictures.
Went out as an accidental Full Elaine tonight (penny loafers, sports coat, cross-body bag and hair fully poufed). Sorta felt like a jerk.
The bartender asked to see my fishing license.
Hang on. I'll finger myself and see if that causes me to have any emotion.
I like comedy, bondage, archery, and squirrels.