If you say Jesus backwards, it sounds like sausage.

God doesn’t kill people. People who believe in God kill people.

I want my tombstone to say "Don't just stand there... water my fucking flowers."

A cat falls in a bucket of water, and the rooster laughs. Moral of the story; a wet pussy equals a happy cock.

People of twitter, Jesus regrets dying for you.

I'm on that cool new diet where you eat everything and pray for a miracle.

Condoms prevent minivans.

I don't always drink beer. But when I do, I drink a shitload of beer.

If steroids are illegal for athletes, shouldn't Photoshop be illegal for models?

We've read your tweets, and my God do we have a lot of questions.

I typed "Bitch" into my GPS and guess what?......... I'm in your driveway.

The hardcore way to eat ramen noodles: 1. Boil Water 2. eat block of ramen 3. drink boiled water 4. snort flavored powder 5. Fuck bitches

Religion: Sucking all the fun out of everything since...Oh...God knows when.

According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star you're actually a few million years late. That star is dead. Just like your dreams.

I forget – Which day did God make all the fossils?

He’s Dead. It’s been 2,000 years. He’s Not coming back. Move on, people.

I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.

I'm still waiting on "Once you go black, you never go back" episode on Mythbusters.

Remember people, it's not a walk of shame if you had an orgasm.

I know the Bible says to turn the other cheek, but right now I think Jesus would hold my jacket for me while I kick this bitch's ass.