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I could see it in her eyes and smell it on her fingertips; there was no denying what she'd been doing.
-Chopping Onions for salads
People that never wear sunglasses are the real wizards.
And I huffed & I puffed & I blew the fucking half rolled blunt everywhere on the fucking counter while trying to tell a stupid fucking joke.
Relationship status---pretending to do extensive yard work all day but really just hiding behind the shed so I can smoke my 1hitter in peace
Tweet like your battery life depends on it.
Bust a Move by Young MC is my favorite song about relocation services gone wrong.
Winning on Twitter might make you happy, but not *drunk girl in a sombrero on her birthday* happy.
Well fuck...now I'm hungry.
at the hardware store
"You shouldn't drink that coffee if you're prone to diarrhea."
Puts down empty cup, clenches, sweats, holds ass, runs
My spirit animal is just a stuffed animal on a string being pulled into traffic by unruly kids.
Me: Wanna try something different?
Wife: (walks away, comes back wearing strap-on)
Wife: Don't worry, I washed it
Night Moves by Bob Seger is my favorite song about the consequences of not paying the rent for three months.
Not sure what to do when your TC finds out about pics from another TC?
Forward both to your wife.
I'm sure her insight will be delightful.
Regulate by Warren G is my favorite
hip-hop song about relief from moderate to severe constipation. Ask your doctor if it's right for you.
Me: (thinking) people that wear bow ties in public should be choked
Bow tie guy: you say something, Dad?
Me: just thinking out loud, son
Wife: (from upstairs) OK, you should be able to see my hotspot now
Me: (passes out laughing, wakes up, laughs more, never gets wifi)
Wrong Way by Sublime is my favorite song about paying attention to where you're driving.
I fucking hate that song.
4 yr old just found a video online of Batman driving McQueen on a half-pipe in NY,
then dances with Joker.
I think he's ready for Twitter.
A quick thanks to all that have followed and to those that will in the future. Those that will never, I'm not mad @ the stupid fuckers. Fuck
I'm 41 years old.
Pretty sure I just nailed that joke format.
I don't understand why some of you have such a hard time.
There are no voices in the sky. Only wings for you, not I.
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