Thanks to twitter, most of the voices in my head now have a face...

Twitter is basically an online abusement park.

Make sure your man is tweeting you right. If he's not, let me know. I'll tweet you the way you should be tweeted.

This tile floor feels great on my face.

This guy is bad with arrows--------->

Somebody please remind me why it's good to be a grownup again.

Lotion, box of tissue, marshmallows, and a DVD of Mrs. Doubtfire
total $22.87
Cashier keeping a straight face and no eye contact; priceless.

"Shit man, cops! Be cool!" Does not mean everyone in the car stare straight ahead like a mute zombie. Fucking stoners.

My boss is such a dick. He smokes weed all day, bitches about fuel costs, & flirts with every woman he sees.

So what if i'm self-employed.

I only regret the things I haven't done.

Best thing about having an 8 inch goatee is plucking one single hair off and leaving it on top of toilet seat, just to fuck with other guys

Women of twitter;if I could,I would make sweet love to each and every one of you. I find you ALL attractive in very unique ways.Wife says no

I don't delete tweets like some others to clean up my timeline.


I do it strictly out of regret and shame.

That's right; you better star my shit, mother fucker.









(please don't block me, my cocky comes and goes)

If your girl tells you she only goes on Twitter because the people tickle her funnybone, funnybone is now code for vagina.

There's nothing wrong with having a strong sexual appetite; It's how you choose to handle your hunger that makes the difference.

Never underestimate the power of stupid.

I now know it's possible to air drum too hard in my truck.

So... umm... do you fold airbags like a fitted sheet to get it back in the dash?

I can't save you if we're both drowning.

Sometimes you can’t sense the sadness behind the humor, but it’s almost always there.