I dated a hockey player once...

What? Okay, fine. I slept with a hockey player multiple times. You people and your fucking "details."

I like my coffee like I like my men. Wait? I don't like coffee. OH MY GOD, I'M GAY!!

Hubby tried to get frisky this morning, but I said, "I'm already gonna be 15 minutes late. Now you wanna make it 20?"

If Kim Kardashian can use marriage to bank $18 million, then gay couples should be able to use marriage however they damn well please.

I wrote a poem for you! Roses are red. Violets are blue. Poetry is stupid. Go fuck yourself.

Walked by a girl wearing those stupid sweat pants with writing across the ass. Hers said, "Guess," so I said, "Stripper?"

I hate it when people say "it's the same but different." Sure. My vagina is the same as my anus, but different. Oh wait, I get it now!

Dear Twitterverse,

I'm not really a whore, but I do like to be used.

Sincerely,
Grammar

If you have an erection lasting more than 4 hours, see your doctor...but take a photo first cause I bet the look on your face is priceless.

I wish I could express with words how much I hate my boss.

I could easily express it with knives, though.

Only ran 1.5 miles before my body was all, "Oh, I'm sorry. Is this a bad time to release the Kraken?"

A coworker caught me digging in my cleavage and asked if I was having fun.

What a dumb question.

Live tweeting my first mammogra...mother fucker! Sweet Moses, let my titty go! A plague on all your houses!

If I had a dime for every time I've been told I look like Sandra Bullock, I'd have...

Okay, so clearly subtraction is not my strong suit.

I know the restraining order says "no," but the one-quarter inch gap between your living room curtains says "yes!"

Everything I know about sex I learned from watching hockey. Get in the box! Get in the box!

Whenever my boss bosses me around, I just laugh and say, "Yes, sir. One cup of shut the fuck up coming right up."

It helps pass the time.

Dear dumbass coworker: please don't talk to me about the email I just sent you UNTIL you've actually read it. Fucking retard.

Coworker (about to sneeze): Wow, that was weird. I expanded but nothing came out.

Me: Yeah, yeah...story of my life.

I really want to fucking punch anyone who thinks it's acceptable to resort to violence when they don't get their way.