I once got a lap dance from a stripper with her real name tattooed on her back. All I could say was "Way to ruin the fantasy, Jason!"

I love it when a girl gets LOUD during sex. It tells my parents that their "little slugger" is a real man.

I'm like an onion. I have many layers; and they all hate stories about your cat.

In Photoshop, is there any way to make it look like I'm not dead inside?

You can see the Great Wall of China & my ex's vagina from space. HAPPY EASTER, SHANNON. YOU BITCH.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, kick the other person you're fucking out of bed.

Once, I masturbated so furiously, my right hand went back in time & all of a sudden I was holding the Magna Carta.

It doesn't matter if u have 50 or 50,000 followers if ur shit is funny I'll RT it. If u have 49 or 50,001 followers, fuck off.

Fill in the blank:

"___ is a cunt!"

SHANNON. The answer is Shannon. My ex Shannon. S-H-A-N-N-O-N. Shannon.

Bros before hoes, but not really.

One day, it will be revealed that one of these people sucked a dick:

1. Ryan Seacrest
2. Ryan Seacrest
3. Ryan Seacrest

I listen to classical music while setting up my fuck-swing.

3 things I hated, until I actually tried them:
1. Guacamole
2. Sauerkraut
3. Auto-erotic Asphyxiation

Every morning, I get dressed to Salt 'N' Pepa's "Whatta Man" cuz I'm up most of the night crying.

The human mouth is one of the dirtiest places in Earth. So, why do you care where my cock has been?

You know what even more badass than your crotch rocket? Making a girl piss herself from laughing so hard. Check and mate.

I get disturbed when someone stars & RTs my shit & then ignores me. Cause that's exactly what happened before my dad left.

The only thing I'll EVER put in my mouth, even remotely phallic, is a penis.

Most people just talk of dicks, vaginas & tits. I'm a Renaissance man cause I speak of mammary sacs, uterus tunnels & zygote dispensers.

I'm never eating pussy again, unless it's through a Dorito taco shell.