Unfollowers: It was the tweet about throwing kittens in the river right? They all had life jackets. They are safe & now drying in microwave.

Teaching patience to a toddler is like ...
Shit he's got the cat brb

Meeting my friend's new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?

Apparently, tickle fairies aren't allowed in the showers at this gym.

These people are acting like hiding behind the bushes is a crime

Just got in a fight with my GPS.
Women always win.

But since I'm passive-aggressive, we drove around in circles for an hour.

RT for awareness.

Spiders are everywhere. They watch you sleep. They crawl on you under the covers

One is probably watching you now

The greatest trick your cat ever pulled was convincing you it wasn't Satan.

Living the American Dream

Yes that's right I have a 90% debt to income ratio.

Champagne is probably my favorite fruit.

Me: Can I go try this on?
Clerk: Sir, that is a mannequin.
Me: ...
Clerk: ...
Me: So your refusing to let me try this on?

So I'm banned from TJMaxx because I was rubbing my wife's neck.

Bullshit I know.

I may have slapped her ass

It may not have been my wife.

Show me your scars and tell me their stories.

Why am I the only one at this party with a shake weight?
They said bring something.

Tom retweeted your tweet to 1.2 followers

I'm just a guy talking to a girl who happens to be a mannequin.

You unfollowed me. I'm sure it was accidental but I'm going to call your home phone to make sure. Ok?

You people are all liars.

I wouldn't even be surprised if your pants were on fire.

Some beer would really go well with this beer

Today I pulled over to write a tweet. Does that scream problem to anyone else?