Unwritten law: Any guy who drinks a Michelob Ultra is required to open the bottle with his vagina.

I only get high. I don't get mighty.

Oh you'd wreck my pussy if we fucked?

Bro, I'd wreck your entire life if we fucked.

Spit or swallow, it doesn't matter, ladies you've earned that cum and you can do whatever you want with it.

To all the men who woke up with the taste of pussy still in their mouth, I salute you!

If I can't be weird with you, then fuck you.

My daughter's homework is all about measuring weight in grams & ounces. I got this!!!

A lady never throws a drink in someone's face during an argument. She chugs that shit and uses the glass as a weapon.

About to get stoned like a muslim whore!

It's rare to find someone in this world who'll accept you for the fucked up mess that you are.

Alfredo is my 2nd favorite white sauce.

If your boobs don't have stretch marks then they're not big enough. #justsayin

Posting song lyrics all day is very insightful. It tells me you have nothing to say AND your iTunes library sucks.

I only grow my nipple hair out in the winter.

If you've never written 'go fuck yourself' in the memo section of a check, I highly recommend doing it. Instant smile guaranteed.

Fellas, keep your bongs clean. All women know the 'dirty bong = dirty shlong' rule.

My husband is trying to get me drunk. I'm trying to get him high. Translation: we are both trying to get laid tonight.

Unfollowed for tweeting about my period by someone who uses twitter to flash her tits?! Pretty judgmental for someone with crooked nipples.

Mom: I know we had half a can of whipped cream! I'd really like to know how that disappeared last night. Me: No you don't.

I'm on a tequila diet. So far I've lost 2 days, my keys, and my favorite heels.