I only get high. I don't get mighty.

Unwritten law: Any guy who drinks a Michelob Ultra is required to open the bottle with his vagina.

To all the men who woke up with the taste of pussy still in their mouth, I salute you!

Spit or swallow, it doesn't matter, ladies you've earned that cum and you can do whatever you want with it.

My daughter's homework is all about measuring weight in grams & ounces. I got this!!!

Alfredo is my 2nd favorite white sauce.

About to get stoned like a muslim whore!

If your boobs don't have stretch marks then they're not big enough. #justsayin

A lady never throws a drink in someone's face during an argument. She chugs that shit and uses the glass as a weapon.

I only grow my nipple hair out in the winter.

Posting song lyrics all day is very insightful. It tells me you have nothing to say AND your iTunes library sucks.

It's rare to find someone in this world who'll accept you for the fucked up mess that you are.

If I can't be weird with you, then fuck you.

If you've never written 'go fuck yourself' in the memo section of a check, I highly recommend doing it. Instant smile guaranteed.

My husband is trying to get me drunk. I'm trying to get him high. Translation: we are both trying to get laid tonight.

Fellas, keep your bongs clean. All women know the 'dirty bong = dirty shlong' rule.

Having multiple restraining orders against you just tells me that your serious about finding love, and keeping it forever & ever.

Mom: I know we had half a can of whipped cream! I'd really like to know how that disappeared last night. Me: No you don't.

Unfollowed for tweeting about my period by someone who uses twitter to flash her tits?! Pretty judgmental for someone with crooked nipples.

Taking a vicodin at work can change your whole perspective on shit.