Collecting all the lint from my dryer for a year to knit myself a super comfy sex swing.

Wife said she wanted to see Magic Mike so I put Step Up on Netflix and did a helicopter dick in her face.

Cruising Twitter to find Hawaiian people and report them for Spam. They love that shit.

Lemmy has the most metal fucking mole in the world.

I'm gonna laugh my ass off when Willow Smith snaps her C2 vertebrae from whipping her hair back and forth.

Is it a problem when you jerk off so much that the webpages stick together?

Just watched the Tupac sextape....poor guy...Suge's cock is massive

#McTotd

Tickle Me Sandusky


#McTotd

On favstar, when the # of favs received catches up to your follower count, does Pam Grier come to your house stick a finger in your ass?

I wanna £ it so bad right now.

Don't worry about defining Black Friday, its Mexican Saturday you should fear.

#verototd

Sometimes I tell the ladies I'm the guy blowing the rape whistle in DMX's "Up In Here"

I don't usually drink syphillitic mexican piss water, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis.

I cant even estimate at the immensity of the fuck I do not give about the royal wedding.

Listening to Billy Ocean, cause I'm a mutha fucking gangsta

I remember when the only thing we had to worry about was a guy who couldn't spell potato.

Listening to Hall & Oates greatest hits in the office today, do you guys think I should get my hair feathered?

My autocorrect changed "Mitt" to "guywholookslikehefingerschildreninalleyways", sounds about right.

Just made the toilet bowl look like a Vietnamese fishing village after a napalm run circa 1958.

The sheer volume of velour track suits in this Walmart is turning my dick into an innie.