Popular Recent Faved By Given
Friends: 393
Followers: 689
Favs Given: 21,328
Favs Rec'd: 8,621
@Balut's most faved Tweets...
Balut
I like how old people always get up early, so their young relatives aren't faced with the "asleep or dead" guesswork every morning.
@Balut
Balut
A woman with pierced nipples has no excuse to be caught without a spare house key.
@Balut
108
blankslatebenmarvinTerryBaintalks_in_mathsmelissasantoskimproperizabelawrotetnsltwnkolchakLatent_ImageCapsaholic_srslaineytimhainesirreverendFreakdad93VIEW
ALL
Balut
I'm gonna stop buying potato chips flavored like the foods I'd rather be eating.
@Balut
105
apricoticanonsequiturificbumpcrudtnsltwnSassyGirlTNiinkdioFreakdadSusAnimatednickEightBitsShortsnackajaweathatnightmonikkabbadarama_MODAT90VIEW
ALL
Balut
"How's your night going, sir? You look like you've been playing with Tesla coils for five hours."

-Taco Bell cashier who should be on Favrd
@Balut
Balut
It's the kind of heat where balls stick and band-aids don't.
@Balut
Balut
My turd looked like a comma. I took this as a sign that I wasn't done shitting.
@Balut
Balut
I have a soccer ball gathering dust in the closet. That ball has been kicked fewer times than the child who made it.
@Balut
Balut
The digital voice recorder I use for journal entries turned on in my pocket at the library. Patrons now know I'D LIKE TO FUCK MY NEIGHBOR.
@Balut
Balut
The last taboo in America is telling a woman to do something about her mustache.
@Balut
Balut
Great self-control, waiter. I'd never be able to keep it together if a lady ordered "beef tenderload".
@Balut
Balut
I'm very careful when I label someone as crazy, and always do so with reference to a control group of shithouse rats.
@Balut
Balut
Do the homeless eat the earlobe punch-outs they find in the dumpster of the body piercing studio?
@Balut
Balut
There's a new laundry room game: Pin the Forgotten Thong on the Bulletin Board.
@Balut
Balut
When a turtle is inside its shell, I suspect that it is beating off.
@Balut
Balut
Nothing is more flattering than having a woman who reeks of negativity fuck your brains out.
@Balut
Balut
Amazing how different a southern accent sounds coming from a horny woman versus a bible-thumper.
@Balut
Balut
How do they make McDonald's double cheeseburgers so soft? I was able to eat one by pressing my tongue against my upper palate and swallowing
@Balut
Balut
Bystanders always take the side of a woman who can cry at will.
@Balut
Balut
I like talking to Southerners. Why can't we have colorful idioms here?

Related: It's hotter than a blistered pussy in a pepper patch.
@Balut
Balut
Your mediocre coworkers who never make waves? Print up certificates for them that say "Model Prisoner" and send in interoffice envelopes.
@Balut
Tip: To have your favorites shown faster, follow @favstar