I only rap caucasionally.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah...if you suck at it.

My husband's penis came out today. And it predicted 6 more weeks of no sex. fml.

History was made last night when my husband became the first of mankind to refuse road head.

Anal sex is like broccoli. If you didn't like it as a kid, chances are you won't like it as an adult.

I'm only pretending to be a poser.

Dimes are silver, pennies are brass, why does your face look like your ass?

That moment while driving, windows down, blaring White Zombie & acting all bad ass to car next to you. Next song on shuffle...Sheena Easton.

Show a girl some respect, fellas. I'm more than just tits, ass and a dirty mind. I'm also really good at drinking beer.

I am not a person to be fucked with. I've killed boners bigger than you with my bare mouth.

Does your ass ever get jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth?

I just drank a German under the table tonight. Joerg Mueller, welcome to Wisconsin!

PMS + pre-period boobs = My husband being in quite the quandry not knowing if he should go for a grab or not.

My safety word: SKEET SKEET

You say dick swag. I say pecker tracks.

You can't spell friendships without friends hips.

Yeah, sorry, but there's no way in HELL Wayne Gretzky wears Skechers Shape Ups. Nice try though, marketing dumb asses.

"All that pussy on that beach.... and he went for hobo face?"

"Vagina jokes aren't funny. Period."

Having one of those days where I should be taking Midol or Jameson via I.V. drip.