If you remove the "i" from married, you're left with marred. Marred for life.

I lost 5 lbs in one hour just by shaving my bush.

If you guys get to motorboat us, we get to tugboat you.

"No dessert for you if you don't finish your brains." ~ Mombie

Does your shit ever look like a balloon animal? Asking for a clown.

If loving you is bong, I don't want to be pipe.

Hey Snoop Dogg: Why the bong face?

I'm low on vitamin Dick.

'My earthquakes bring all the buildings to the yard.' ~ Mother Nature

Just got out of the shower and thought hmm, I'm looking pretty good. Then the steam cleared.

My hairdresser today: Your hair seems softer & fuller--are you doing anything differently? Me: I'm drinking more. Him: Why? Me: Twitter

This year I'm putting a long, black wig on my pumpkin and calling it Snookie.

Here I sit waxing poetic while waxing the beaverhausen.

Sometimes you feel like a nut....sometimes you feel like two...

The beauty of having few followers & fewer who read my tweets, I can say what I'm really thinking & it won't matter. I won't, but I could.

When I sneeze, it sounds like 'hashish!'

"Authorities say David Beckham was behind the wheel of a car that rear-ended another vehicle.." I'd bend over to be rear-ended by Beckham

Life was better when it was more like Candyland and less like Monopoly.

Sex is the real definition of a joy ride.

I only have sighs for you.