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In my 32 years this is what I've learned about women:
1.) "No" means no
2.) "Maybe" means no
3.) "Yes" means maybe
Hold doors open for women, tell them they're beautiful and fuck them like animals. It's simple.
I watch an old man walk his wheelchair bound wife by my house every night, in case any of you motherfuckers needed to know what love is.
If the person you're with isn't making you a better version of yourself, pack your fucking bags and find someone who does. Life is short.
If you always think the grass is greener on the other side, maybe you should water what the fuck you have and see how that works out first.
Why the fuck has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
When someone shares their favorite songs with you, embrace them, because they're giving you a small glimpse into their soul.
I'm to the point now, when people ask me where I'm from, I just mumble "Twitter."
Would you ladies quit throwing around vague sexual innuendos like, "Hi" and "Hello". They confuse the hell out of us guys.
"I don't have to shave, bathe or stay in shape, but you have to look like a damn supermodel if we're gonna fuck." -Men
What do you do when someone makes you feel unwanted? You make walking away look fucking easy. That's what you do.
Brag all you want about your accomplishments, but until you've gotten out of bed while being depressed, you don't know shit about challenges
Remember, a random act of kindness can be as simple as leaving someone the fuck alone.
To all you assholes that harass the women on Twitter,
Go fuck yourselves.
The guys that actually get laid
Don't tease someone for their physical attributes. It's not like they went shopping and picked them out, you ignorant fuck.
When a woman tweets about sex it doesn't mean she wants you to DM her about it, you pathetic, greasy fuck.
If you're forced to choose a weapon, choose words. They leave wounds that never heal.
If you ladies are into the married guy that's flirting with you on Twitter, remember, there's a reason why nobody's fucking him at home.
Who was the stoner that got high as fuck and decided to put ice cream between two cookies? We need to give that motherfucker a medal.
If you get offended by a tweet, blame your parents, because they raised a fucking pussy.
I may not be able to hit bottom, but I'm a pro at banging it off the sides. Also, I swear a lot, because fuck you.