In my 32 years this is what I've learned about women:

1.) "No" means no

2.) "Maybe" means no

3.) "Yes" means maybe

Hold doors open for women, tell them they're beautiful and fuck them like animals. It's simple.

If the person you're with isn't making you a better version of yourself, pack your fucking bags and find someone who does. Life is short.

I watch an old man walk his wheelchair bound wife by my house every night, in case any of you motherfuckers needed to know what love is.

If you always think the grass is greener on the other side, maybe you should water what the fuck you have and see how that works out first.

Why the fuck has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?

When someone shares their favorite songs with you, embrace them, because they're giving you a small glimpse into their soul.

I'm to the point now, when people ask me where I'm from, I just mumble "Twitter."

"I don't have to shave, bathe or stay in shape, but you have to look like a damn supermodel if we're gonna fuck." -Men

Would you ladies quit throwing around vague sexual innuendos like, "Hi" and "Hello". They confuse the hell out of us guys.

What do you do when someone makes you feel unwanted? You make walking away look fucking easy. That's what you do.

Brag all you want about your accomplishments, but until you've gotten out of bed while being depressed, you don't know shit about challenges

Remember, a random act of kindness can be as simple as leaving someone the fuck alone.

When a woman tweets about sex it doesn't mean she wants you to DM her about it, you pathetic, greasy fuck.

To all you assholes that harass the women on Twitter,

Go fuck yourselves.

Sincerely,

The guys that actually get laid

Don't tease someone for their physical attributes. It's not like they went shopping and picked them out, you ignorant fuck.

If you ladies are into the married guy that's flirting with you on Twitter, remember, there's a reason why nobody's fucking him at home.

If you're forced to choose a weapon, choose words. They leave wounds that never heal.

Who was the stoner that got high as fuck and decided to put ice cream between two cookies? We need to give that motherfucker a medal.

I didn't get a twitter account to read shit like, "Have a blessed day!" Go fuck yourself.