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The hardest part about dating a man in his early 20s is having to watch him sleep at night to make sure he's still breathing.
A guy at the restaurant just said "love is in the air" so I quickly pulled the fire alarm & everyone evacuated the building. That was close.
My 5 year old just said, "I need a drink".
I hear ya buddy.
They can't handle me up in this quilting bee. I don't know why they even trying.
Don't judge me! You're too easily offended! Your tweets are gross! I unfollow for using the wrong your and you're! -hypocrite tweeters
Will twerk for Taco Bell.
Sidenote: I have no idea what twerking is. I just really love Taco Bell.
Has Canada retired from hockey altogether or are they just in another rebuilding decade?
"Sorry I took a shit in your aquarium"..... is probably the second most embarrassing thing I have ever had to say to my grandmother.
my kid whispered that he had a secret to tell me. he leaned in & screamed "PENIS!!" in my ear and ran away. pretty sure he needs a twitter.
If this tweet lets you down, that makes two of us. I don’t even know what I’m doing, you guys.
I can identify anyone by removing their brain, freezing it in liquid nitrogen, slicing it thin, and then stir frying it with asparagus.
Walk your date through a cemetery. Tell her she's in grave danger. You both laugh and do the Thriller dance.
Don't be the person who understands what everyone is tweeting about.
I thought Bea Arthur was dead but it appears she's sitting on a park bench with an enormous bong
I love your "Text and drive, text and die!" bumper sticker.
It didn't even take me that long to read it while I was driving.
Coworker set his ringtone to the sound Cartman makes when looking thru binoculars scanning the border for Mexicans. Can't stop calling him.
Xbox Square Root of Negative One
If I bring you flowers on our first date ever, then its probably your last date ever.
I feel sorry for you people sometimes... Always having my random shit popping up in your TL.
You better play nice, or did you forget I have a picture of your dick with your face in it..
I may not be able to hit bottom, but I'm a pro at banging it off the sides. Also, I swear a lot, because fuck you.