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The hardest part about dating a man in his early 20s is having to watch him sleep at night to make sure he's still breathing.
A guy at the restaurant just said "love is in the air" so I quickly pulled the fire alarm & everyone evacuated the building. That was close.
They can't handle me up in this quilting bee. I don't know why they even trying.
Don't judge me! You're too easily offended! Your tweets are gross! I unfollow for using the wrong your and you're! -hypocrite tweeters
Will twerk for Taco Bell.
Sidenote: I have no idea what twerking is. I just really love Taco Bell.
Has Canada retired from hockey altogether or are they just in another rebuilding decade?
"Sorry I took a shit in your aquarium"..... is probably the second most embarrassing thing I have ever had to say to my grandmother.
my kid whispered that he had a secret to tell me. he leaned in & screamed "PENIS!!" in my ear and ran away. pretty sure he needs a twitter.
If this tweet lets you down, that makes two of us. I don’t even know what I’m doing, you guys.
I can identify anyone by removing their brain, freezing it in liquid nitrogen, slicing it thin, and then stir frying it with asparagus.
Walk your date through a cemetery. Tell her she's in grave danger. You both laugh and do the Thriller dance.
I thought Bea Arthur was dead but it appears she's sitting on a park bench with an enormous bong
I love your "Text and drive, text and die!" bumper sticker.
It didn't even take me that long to read it while I was driving.
Coworker set his ringtone to the sound Cartman makes when looking thru binoculars scanning the border for Mexicans. Can't stop calling him.
If I bring you flowers on our first date ever, then its probably your last date ever.
I feel sorry for you people sometimes... Always having my random shit popping up in your TL.
You better play nice, or did you forget I have a picture of your dick with your face in it..
I may not be able to hit bottom, but I'm a pro at banging it off the sides. Also, I swear a lot, because fuck you.
