When the pizza guy comes I'm going to yell "I got it sweetie" just so he doesn't think I'm a lonely fat ass.

Can a fart be cute? If so, that one I just let out was fucking adorable.

Thank you Wendy's drive thru guy for writing your number on my receipt, but you forgot my straw. And guess which one I want...?

I use Summer's Eve. Mostly because if a guy goes down on me and I accidentally queef in his face I can just say,"That's the summer's breeze"

Nipples. they get straight to the point

Facebook just lets me know that people uglier than me are finding the loves of their lives and I've only found twitter.

I'm never in the "friend zone" I'm always in the "friends with benefits but I'm leading you on to crush your heart... zone"

I keep getting into relation-paddle boats. It's like a relationship, but I know from the start it's not really going too far.

If you haven't read a book since high school then you can't touch my tits

I have a new low score on the Wells Fargo game I downloaded on my iPhone.

I'm like the Oprah of buying shots when I get too drunk"You get a shot, you get a shot" Then I get the bill and I realize I'm not Oprah rich

It really takes a certain talent to shape this pillow into a human like figure.

Ok Christmas is cool but where is New Years so I can get drunk and have glitter sex with that cute guy.

I went to a movie alone tonight. I stole this couple's popcorn when they were making out. I cried while eating it.

If I got pregnant at 16 I wouldn't have been on a TV show, more likely a milk carton.

You guys are like the friends that I never let my new boyfriend meet. But I love you.

Music = religion. I think mine is the best, but i try not to push it on to anyone. Also, if they don't agree, then they can go to hell

He gives me the GB's (girl boners)

Right before your man is about to orgasm do you hear a voice in your head that says"FINISH HIM!"? I can't be the only one.#WifeyMaterial

I can't even buy can air without showing my ID. Good job druggies, you made air illegal.