Drunk texting verses drunk tweeting. At least you can delete a tweet.

I fucking hate it when people say they are speechless and then subsequently prove that they are not.

I don't call them 'unfollowers'; I call them 'scared'.

I don't worry about the voices in my head, it's the voices in my ear that cause me the greatest annoyance.

Why does Australia have all the cool animals?

A friend told someone that I tweeted. He stared at me and said, 'show us a tweet'. I mean? How rude, what's he think they are, tits?

Bad day at work? - Vodka.
Good day at work? - Vodka.
No work? - Vodka.
Spiders nesting in your ear? - Vodka.

My rules for twitter

1. Only Tweet at the weekend.
2. Check out new followers before following bk.
3. Only tweet drunk.
4. Break rules.

Sorry I didn't follow back...

But you were boring.

What? Wait! You mean you can log out?

Daughter: will you just shut up.
Me: I didn't say anything.
Daughter: just telling you in advance.

What? Twitter wants me to find friends by importing contacts? Hahahahahahahahaha...


Hahahahahahahahaha...

Fuck, no thanks.

Who thinks I should stop swearing?

RT to say no.
Star to say yes.

Do both if you fucking couldn't care less.

I find that the best time to tweet is somewhere between 24 and 7.

Go on baby...

Subtweet me.

My signature move requires a pen.

They are making a girl wear a T shirt with Trainee Barista on the back. That's like announcing your not even good enough to make coffee.

Top tip: don't check into twitter in the morning.

You'll be late for work and people will shout at you.

It's fucking disgusting that my tweets are never stolen!

Look, if you want a star fuck, just ask...

Don't unfollow.