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I'm sure you'd be a world champion if the game were called "Where's Waldo's Flaws?"
People who say "my dogs are like children to me" shouldn't have either
Why do you think I would know when that romaine will turn brown? Just because I'm a vegetarian doesn't mean I'm the Salad Whisperer.
a part of me knows I should workout, but that part is easily silenced w Cinnabons... There goes my plan to lose 2 dress sizes in 30 days
My son asked me to go with him to the father-daughter dance - Of course I said "yes" before he could ask his mother instead - In your FACE!
Not a day goes by that I don't have to apologize to my wife for tweeting something that she thinks reflects badly on her.
Case in point.
I fear that if anyone sees the red line belly-line from trying to squeeze my gut into these jeans, they'll ask if I've had a C-section.
I think my eHarmony profile is trying to pick up my match.com profile
I believe sobriety is the key to happiness, but then that could just be the wine talking
"heheh... wow, what a coincidence, right?... But really, I'm not stalking you or anything"
- every stalker ever
Taco Bell has apparently been secretly vegan all along... See you guys there for lunch!
As a driver, I'm the Wolverine of flipping people off.
If I have to explain "a little less hash, a little more brown" to the waitress, it's going to adversely affect her tip.
Woman frantically tapping the glass at the Aquarium
Son: why is she doing that?
Me: because sometimes dolphins are smarter than people
Hey NuWave Oven Infomercial actors:
No one will ever be THAT excited about cooked salmon,
dial it down a bit
People wonder why I walk the dog at night with a glass of wine.
I guess drinking wine out of a travel cup makes me feel like a heathen.
Caught my dog watching Fox News again today...
So do I rub his nose in it?
Still awaiting the arrival of Lord and Lady GaGa #RoyalWedding
I will literally kill the next person who uses "literally" to describe something figuratively
Andy Beanard #VegetableOfficeCharacters
I hate pretending to listen while other people talk. Just let me talk already! I want to talk about what you're talking about, but better.