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@Bauart's (David R Jennings) recent favourites. See who @Bauart favs the most...
baileygenine
Sometimes when I throw up I like to pretend the toilet is a baby bird and you're not even reading this anymore are you.
@baileygenine
blueyesbrunet
I put the ANIGAN in shenanigan. Again anigan.
@blueyesbrunet
sween
I'm ninety-nine percent certain my cat is dreaming about sleeping.
@sween
twistedpfister
Is Barney the Dinosaur still alive? I could sure use a hand job.
@twistedpfister
k2bf
Why is it that they can't design a printer that doesn't double-feed, yet the ATM never accidentally dispenses extra bill?
@k2bf
NikiWithIssues
The reason my neighbors are still alive is because it's illegal to shoot them.
@NikiWithIssues
blueyesbrunet
I'm going to use the bags under my eyes to carry groceries.
@blueyesbrunet
m1key_m00n
One of my cats has a cold. I'm not sure if I should give him Nyqil or Dayquil.
@m1key_m00n
cpinck
You complete m
@cpinck
blueyesbrunet
Life is a bowl of cereal. I live a Lucky Charmed life.
@blueyesbrunet
theresa_lauren
Sometimes I feel pretty accomplished. Then I remember how often I have to sing myself the alphabet song.
@theresa_lauren
BlondHousewife
It smells like sexual frustration and Mountain Dew in the hallway. So I know the IT trolls are nearby.
@BlondHousewife
bedheadblonde
I don't dance like no one is watching.

I dance more like someone is tipping.
@bedheadblonde
RexHuppke
I wasn't "snoring." My body was releasing excess awesome.

Well, yes, it's a noisy process - the awesome hates to leave. Duh.
@RexHuppke
secretsquirrel
One is the loneliest number. Seven is kinda racist. Nine needs to just come out already. Four drinks to forget. Three is angry, so so angry.
@secretsquirrel
biorhythmist
Sometimes I use a flip phone just to feel something. Anything.
@biorhythmist
sucittaM
Can I borrow a match?


And a can of gasoline?


And a church?
@sucittaM
aedison
I can quit making jokes about addiction any time I want.
@aedison
dysolution
My bucket list:

1. Acquire bucket.
2. Rebrand and sell bucket.
3. Profit.
@dysolution
damselesque
Yay! International No Bra Day!

Which is a holiday I just created because I don't want to wear a bra today.

*flop*
@damselesque
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