When I say 'Let me help you.' I'm really saying 'Just fucking give it to me and I'll do it right the first time, and ON time'

Look at my angry tweets. Clearly I didn't take my happy pills yet. Silly me! *swallows xanax* You're still whores, I just don't care now.

My 2 mug shots are literally more flattering than the photo on my work badge.

I don't like the tone of your face right now. - shit I actually say to people who are silently judging me

When I tell you 'we'll agree to disagree'....we all know I mean 'I'm right, fuckhole, but I won't argue with an idiot'

Fuck, man. Even your RTs suck.

Being around a lot of people really makes me hate being around a lot of people.

For my birthday I want noise canceling headphones. PS your kids are assholes

Local news, you had me at "human remains"

Walked by a chick with her ass eating her dress, so I laughed out loud. Because I'm an adult.

A little girl was doing the "you-can't-get-past-me" dance while my kid was walking to me...anyway, someone's kid is crying on the floor now.

My problem is.....I don't have any real problems. *swallows xanax* *lights cigarette*

FB post: keep scrolling if you love the devil. Repost if you love God. Me: *unfriend*

I'm so white I just passed a cop on the interstate. Because I can.

Hey, fugly dudes that make fun of fat chicks.....Really? I mean.....really? They can lose weight...you see where I'm going with this, yes?

It's super cute when 20 somethings walk around saying things and having opinions. Sit down & shut up, sweetie. You don't know shit, yet.

People with no kids, your opinions don't count. Glad I could clear that up for all of us. Good talk.

I slept for 9 hours. I don't even know how to work like this, all rested, relaxed and shit. I don't even know who I am anymore.

Yes. That was me. Dancing like a moron in the Jeep swerving all over the road. Also singing loudly and out of tune.

Asshole exfoliation by Charmin extra strong toilet paper. I really am sending this tweet. Fuck it.