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Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I'm not movin'.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I only hang air fresheners in my car so I have a cymbal to crash during an epic air drum solo.
I don't know if Kindergarten teachers would have been handing out gold stars so haphazardly if they knew it would lead to this.
All I need is a girl to talk dirty to me and grow old while making fun of people together.
I gave a fuck once. It was '87. Mom turned off Thundercats. THUNDERCATS
"Do you have a perfume that will make me smell like a book?" - old people
I haven't felt this *popular since **high school.
Rednecks, boycottin' the letter G for over 100 years.
I'm the male version of 'She has a good personality.'
Women with hyphenated last names confuse me. How commited aren't you?
I've found the best way to not be a part of the obesity problem is to just be poor. Very, very poor.
Remember that kid in school that reminded the teacher that you had homework? I work with that guy. Fuck that guy.
Ladies, if a guy doesn't love when you drunk text him, then he loves men.
Still waiting for the girl of my dreams to realize I'm the man of hers.. or a new Three Amigos movie. That'll work.
Accidentally left my vodka out in a thunderstorm. I guess you could say the rain dampened my spirits..
Fuck you thats funny
Nobody ever looks back on their life and says, "Remember that time I slept a lot?"
There's not enough room in this fanny pack for all the condoms I'm gonna need tonight.
1 more for 20k followers!
Sorry typo.. 20 followers.
Im at the awkward age where Im old enough to bang a mom, but not confident enough to stare down her 12 year old on the way out.
A donut without a hole is not a donut, it's a danish.