Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I'm not movin'.

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

I only hang air fresheners in my car so I have a cymbal to crash during an epic air drum solo.

I don't know if Kindergarten teachers would have been handing out gold stars so haphazardly if they knew it would lead to this.

All I need is a girl to talk dirty to me and grow old while making fun of people together.

I haven't felt this *popular since **high school.

*depressed
**yesterday

I'm the male version of 'She has a good personality.'

Rednecks, boycottin' the letter G for over 100 years.

I gave a fuck once. It was '87. Mom turned off Thundercats. THUNDERCATS

I've found the best way to not be a part of the obesity problem is to just be poor. Very, very poor.

Ladies, if a guy doesn't love when you drunk text him, then he loves men.

Women with hyphenated last names confuse me. How commited aren't you?

Still waiting for the girl of my dreams to realize I'm the man of hers.. or a new Three Amigos movie. That'll work.

1 more for 20k followers!

Sorry typo.. 20 followers.

Nobody ever looks back on their life and says, "Remember that time I slept a lot?"

Accidentally left my vodka out in a thunderstorm. I guess you could say the rain dampened my spirits..

Fuck you thats funny

People say 'youre just delaying the inevitable' like its a bad thing. Sounds like a pretty bitchin superpower to me.

There's not enough room in this fanny pack for all the condoms I'm gonna need tonight.

Im at the awkward age where Im old enough to bang a mom, but not confident enough to stare down her 12 year old on the way out.

Give me dentistry, or give me meth!