@BeauBock's (Beau Bockman) most faved Tweets...
I finally figured out what toes are for. They're for finding furniture in the dark and making me curse like a sailor.
My grandfather put seven kids through college on his salary. My salary wouldn't put seven kids through an Arby's drive-thru.
My girlfriend tends to get confused by big words like "ventricular tachycardia" or "fiscal responsibility" or "cooking"
Girlfriend: "What time is it?"
Me: "1:30"
GF: "What? It was 1:30 when I asked you an hour ago!"
Me: "Maybe we should see other people."
Me: "1:30"
GF: "What? It was 1:30 when I asked you an hour ago!"
Me: "Maybe we should see other people."
iPhone corrected my last text to indicate my Jeep has a "Power Steering Pimp."
Now I need to replace the hoes.
Now I need to replace the hoes.
My credit card earns me frequent flyer miles on every purchase, which will come in handy for fleeing the country after I destroy my credit.
Sometimes I program alternate names into my GPS so the Garmin lady will talk dirty to me.
"Arriving at spank me baby, on left."
"Arriving at spank me baby, on left."
Welcome to the 21st century, where it's perfectly normal to send a text that travels across seven states to the person sitting next to you.
Will you guys watch my drink while I go to the bathroom? I'll be gone for 2 minutes, so if you want to roofie me, now is the time.
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